Polyamory is an umbrella term, and it means a lot of different things to a lot of different people. Polyamory means many loves. It mixes the Greek word poly meaning “many or several” and the Latin word amor, meaning “love”. A polyamorous person or poly for short forms consensual, intimate relationships with more than one person at a time. Consent is the key here and it is what separates ethical nonmonogamy from cheating.
A common thing to hear in the poly circles is that Love is Infinite. However, how a person shows that love can be restricted by how much time and space they have in their lives. Poly people believe that they can love more than one person at a time and that doesn’t take away the love they feel for someone else. Love is expansive and it can grow.
Being poly can be a lifestyle choice or it can be an orientation, like sexual or gender orientation. An example of a lifestyle choice would be someone choosing polyamory because it aligns with personal or political beliefs. This person may choose to practice poly for parts of their life or the rest of their lives. An example of orientation is when someone has always felt as if monogamy was never the right fit for them.
Polyamory-relationships can be either hierarchical or non-hierarchical. When you have a hierarchical setup, you have one or more relationships that are considered the primary relationships, and any other relationships that might enter that person or couple’s life are subordinate or secondary to the main relationship. They stand outside of it and answer to the main relationships. This is a vastly oversimplified look at what hierarchy is because it is complicated when it manifests in the real world.
In a straightforward sense, it just means that some relationships end up taking precedence over other relationships, by default. Another set of terms you’ll hear in discussions related to hierarchy and hierarchical polyamorous relationships are the terms, primary partner and secondary partner. Primary partner is used about that main partner you have. The primary partner is also known as the nesting partner or the anchor partner. The secondary partner or partners are pretty much anyone else. People who are outside of that primary relationship.
Usually, when we’re talking about hierarchy, that emotional hierarchy of one person is loved above and before all others, that’s not the usual case we are talking about. You can love multiple people in essentially the same way to the same degree and still only be open to a certain amount of intimacy with one of those people.
Sometimes polyamorous relationships include Polyfidelity. Polyfidelity is a group structure where everyone participates in simultaneous relationships with each other. It requires that people of that group, however large the group is, practice emotional or sexual fidelity. It might look similar to monogamy, except it involves more than two people. They will only have intimate relationships inside the group.
Another type of polyamorous relationship is Vs or Ws. This is when some people are involved with each other but not everyone is involved with everyone else. The V is a usual form, where the person at the base of the V is directly involved with each of the two points. The two people that are not romantically involved are called each other’s metamours. An extended version of this is the W, which would include two base people and three other points who are not romantically involved with each other.
In some cases, a monogamous person and a poly person get together, and this is called a mono/poly relationship. In this case, one-half of the couple chooses to pursue outside relationships, while the other half of the couple chooses to stay monogamous. Because we’re talking about ethical monogamy, both parties’ consent to this arrangement.
The final type of monogamy that we will talk about is Relationship Anarchy. Relationship Anarchy (or RA for short) is a way of practicing relationships. RA is similar to polyamory, and some may say that it falls under the poly umbrella, but there are some key differences. For example, like some poly people, RAs focus on consent, openness, and honesty, believe love is not a finite resource, and are focused more on building relationships than only engaging in casual sex. RAs reject creating rules and hierarchies, they limit expectations placed on other people and about how things should develop. They don’t differentiate between their romantic, sexual, or platonic relationships.
Like any other relationship polyamorous partnership is built on consent, trust, respect, and empathy. Partners in polyamory define their boundaries and negotiate the terms of their relationship. Of course, jealousy can manifest as it is a part of human nature, but it can be managed with trust and boundaries. Because Polyamory involves being emotionally available to more than one person at a time, communication is key.
Polyamory is about the freedom you give yourself and your loved ones to evolve and build a connection. You can see polyamory as the main character energy, where you are the center of your life surrounded by a network of love, honesty, and meaningful relationships.