Sexuality is a spectrum of variations. Sexuality cannot be fixated into a definition. It is often said sexuality is all about what people prefer. However, Preference emerges out of choice, and sexuality cannot be put to a limit within this six-word definition of choice. It is the way a person is.
When we come out and say that somebody is gay, we do not emphasize the choice. But, rather talk about the way he wants to live or with whom he wants to live. The same applies to a woman.
But, how do we question who we are? Before the stage of self-realization, there comes a stage of acute questioning. A kind of question and answer with oneself. However, what is the exact question that one should ask themselves to get a better idea of their sexuality?
Let us look at a few of them.
1.Is it just admiration or I like them?
This question often bothers people who have just begun to question their sexuality. When one starts admiring the person of the same –sex, they wonder if they are admiring them because there is deeply indebted liking or it is just a normal appreciation.
It is of extreme importance to get an understanding if we are thinking about this person romantically or just fancying behind them for their talents/looks. The terminologies of “girl crush” and “man crush” can fit in here. This happens when you just want to appreciate them, and it does not awaken a romantic/sexual attraction in you.
This is so because it often reiterated that gay people do not feel about gay people the way somebody feels for a man-crush/girl crush. Feeling for someone and appreciation for someone are two different emotions.
2. Do I feel for anyone besides platonically?
In many cases, asexuality is referred to as a biological concept, and in other cases, it becomes just another sexual orientation/identity. It is a stage where one does not possess sexual attraction for anyone. However, an asexual person can be gay, lesbian, bisexual, or belong to any non-binary categorization.
If you do not have the necessary feelings for a person or anyone for that matter, and you do not get excited after hearing about sex as much as others, it is normal. In the LGBTQIA+ spectrum, A stands for Asexuality/ally. While people can possess aromanticism and asexuality, people may also be just asexuals and not aromantics and vice-versa.
3. Can I imagine going on a date with the same sex?
For a person, who is constantly questioning their sexuality and trying to understand their sexual orientation, imagining a date with the same sex person can be anything, interesting, exciting, anxious, nerve-wrenching etcetera.
You might feel extremely distressed because you never thought about it or imagined it before. Although, thinking about getting in a romantic/sexual interaction with the same person might also excite you.
You just have to figure out which feeling outweighs the other and what are the possible reasons behind it. And, even if you do not want to overthink the situation and might just want to give this new experience a try, go for it!
4. Is it because of a series of Bad Relationships?
After a long-time relationship, when you experience heartbreak, you generally start despising the opposite sex. You may start thinking that just sticking to one sex is not your thing anymore. Therefore, if such a situation comes in and you do not know how to figure out things, take help if necessary. Talk it out with a therapist, take time to see how your feelings shape further, explore with everything if you want!
However, getting to the crux of this uncertainty and analyzing your feelings for all sexes is extremely important, as one incident cannot shape who you are!
5. Am I getting under influence?
It is often a typical characteristic of society to categorize gay people in a certain way. For instance, if one just hangs out with queer people or people around them are trying to explore their sexuality, you might feel like giving it a thought too.
You tend to question your sexual orientation often in these situations, and the cherry on the top comes when people also try to make you believe that you might not be what you feel you are. That your sexual orientation is different from what you think. This leads to a series of doubts and questioning in your head.
6. Am I Assuming?
Just like in earlier times when females and males were the only recognized genders, it is not the social reality anymore. There is no particular gender and no two utmost genders that exist.
Therefore, when you start thinking about your sexuality, do not just limit yourself to two “socially accepted” genders. Go beyond the definition of gender identity and sex. The LGBTQIA+ community does not limit itself to the orientations that have come out. The + in it implicates much more sexual orientations or identities that one might want to associate with.
7. What if I do not fall in any category?
This is the most difficult question for a person who is doubting their straight sexual orientation. It can be a little traumatizing too. Sexuality is a very broad concept. Therefore, fitting in under certain terminologies or categories can never help one in self-identification.
You might even be someone who has a completely different preference when it comes to sexuality, and it might not fall under any category. There is nothing to worry about it, it’s fine! You are much beyond this.
8. Am I living in denial?
The previous question and this question, near about walk on the same lane. It might be the case that you feel for a person but are in constant denial. This denial may arise out of familial, societal, or peer pressure. It may also develop as a result of gender expectations from society. Society expects typical behaviors, of males and females. This becomes the scariest part of the path of moving out of self-denial.
Ask yourself, if you like being around the said person in a way that excites you. If yes, and then you deny having feelings for them, ask yourself if there is an existence of denial in your mind.
9. Am I ready for Accepting?
Acceptance is a must when it comes to sexuality. From within, you might know what your sexuality or what your preference is in terms of sexual orientation is. But in your immediate conscience, you are not ready to accept it.
However, you have to learn to accept and act on it. All this has to happen without outside forces affecting you. Once you back out from the paths of acceptance, it will lead you on only to dreariness.
10. Am I scared to own up?
With homosexuality being such a taboo topic in the world, it is not surprising to see people fearing to own up their sexuality. The world accepting only heterosexuality as normal, people who are confused about their sexuality might face fear. They take a back foot in accepting their feelings for the same-sex person or both sexes if necessary.
Therefore, think twice before vehemently denying your indebt feelings for a person, concerning thinking about the society.
11. Am I attracted to both men and women?
Questions like these can hamper a person’s mental stability altogether. This happens because after knowing a completely different version of yourself all this while, where you were attracted to only one sex, this sudden doubt strikes in.
However, suppressing this doubt and not following your mind can make things difficult even further. Henceforth, address these doubts right away!
12. Am I Truthful to myself?
A person being a male or a female, or belonging to any gender group, will feel very anxious once they start questioning their sexuality. Your sexuality is often connected to your identity, therefore, this leads to direct self-doubt.
However, one should remember that just because you lived like one person all this while, it does not force you to live like the same person forever. Some things need time to strike in and realize. Existence is not equivalent to sexuality.
13. Am I sexually and romantically different?
A person may be sexually attracted to a different person and romantically inclined to somebody else/nobody for that matter. Sexuality and sexual preference have nothing to do with romantic inclination. This gives rise to the term “polyamorous”. In this, both the partners might get sexually involved with many others, however, romantic feelings remain true to one person. This takes place with the consent of both partners.
If a man feels strongly for another man in terms of sexual connotations, it may not have anything to do with romantic feelings. Or, a man might only feel sexually attracted to someone if he has an emotional affair with them. This is where demi-sexuality badges in.
14. Am I ready to come out?
Even if you have accepted a certain form of yourself, may it fall in any form of sexuality, coming out to others is a real challenge. Acceptance and coming out require a lot of courage and bravery. However, if coming out provides you with power and purpose, then only come out.
If taking your own time to further introspect gives you peace of mind and happiness, there is no force.
15. Shall I consider Help?
Even if one decides to come out and be themselves, what will society thinks is a constant question that goes on bothering them. Sadly, in a society where we live, only self-acceptance is not fulfilling. Artificial happiness of everyone is necessary to make you feel good about yourself. So, if you think you need more clarity on your thoughts, consider seeking help. Go out, talk to a therapist, share with your friends who will not judge you.
Do what you feel like is right at that moment, do what you feel like doing. Something that will comfort you.
In today’s world, where gender identity is not just restricted to two identified “genders”, being different than others can be anxiety-provoking. However, as compared to the nineteens and twenties, the world has evolved in a better way. The amount of inclusion that queer people face now, would have never been visible in earlier times. People have slightly started to become more accepting, more aware, and more supportive.
Obviously, there are a set of limitations. It is no denial that the world has tried to limit LGBTQ+ people from the very start.
Society does not want them to grow, they do not want them to breathe fresh. All they want is compromise. However, as mentioned above, sexuality is not a choice, it is what a person is. He/she/them have no control over it. Therefore, before putting your feelings down, and going the “societal way”, think twice about what you want. Instead look at the positive side, and welcome your feelings right away!